What a great day.
What could be better, walking around Six Flags with the coolest people who make you laugh the whole time, going on 50 roller coasters and other rides, finding $20 on the floor, trying to stuff two basketballs up someones shirt, and trying to scope out possible guys to hook up with so they will give you their sweatshirt?
This year has changed so much stuff for me, I dont even know how to begin. I think I'm starting to realize who my friends are, and that I really don't care if other people like them. It's just weird, I dont know. In the past 3 months, I've started talking to so many different people.. I don't know, it just feels weird, almost to the point where I don't know who I really am anymore..
But maybe thats the point in life, maybe your supposed to meet people who show you who your true identity is, and that's how you become your own person.
I'm tired of doing this, being in the same spot where I've always been. I can't be in the same position forever, we have three years left and somewhere along those next three years, things will change. And when they do, I'm gonna laugh in your face.
I think I'm afraid of change. And I'm scared right now because I know things are changing so rapidly fast. In one way I can't help it and in another way I can help it. I push to many people and things away. Thats the one problem I have. It's not that I'm afraid of being hurt, I just think that I'm scared of change.
Whatever happened to those days when you were 9? When you would get home from school and have a little bit of homework, then you could watch some t.v. and go to sleep at a reasonable hour, and you would have fun with your friends in school and there wasn't as much drama.. or in the summer you would wake up and go to camp, and then come home and go to the pool with your friends, get ice cream from the ice cream truck and laugh and joke around as if there wasn't a care in the world, like you had no responsibilities. Whatever happened to those days?
When did it turn into going to school at an insanely early hour, falling asleep in class, tests almost every week, people judging you all the time, and everyone being so self concious? How come all of the sudden you find yourself in high school, being bombarded with the responisiblities of getting older, like getting a job and doing your work. Why all of the sudden do we have so much drama to deal with? Why do we have to worry about what other people think all the time and what he said or she said? Why cant things just be simple?
I can honestly say that I don't know how I managed to do it this year. Between two sports, wayyy to much drama, being freakin depressed, trying to lose weight and whatever, how did I survive?
Even though I have some of the greatest friends in the world, I still feel completly alone like absolutly no one understands.
I think I just needed to get this out. I think I needed to tell this to myself.
Whatever, I'm not a good person anyway. I'll never be good enough for you, or anyone else. Theres nothing that I can do, or you can do, that will change things. I guess that it was just meant to be like this. Which kind of sucks, because a relationship like that is so unhealthy. Believe me. I would know.
I think I know who I am now.
Im a lot of fake smiles.