?

Log in

but everything happens for reasons she will n e v e r understand [entries|friends|calendar]
ex .. oh

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[05 Jun 2004|05:11pm]

Well I decided to make a new username. I have no idea why, but I was really bored and decided to. So add me there.

 

 

_addicted_xo

 

byee ..

1 disaster // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[04 Jun 2004|04:56pm]
[ mood | for once ! ]

Woah. I just did the most stupidest thing I think I've ever done. Hmm.. How do I say this?

IjustgotreadyhopingtoseeyouandIkindofgothappy/excitedandthenIrealizedwhyamIwantingtoseeyouorwhatever..whyamIhopingthatI ahhsoejhrowjioejrwioeurwoiejnriwrewoej

kill me.

OMFG THE ICE CREAM TRUCK JUST CAME ON MY STREET. hell yeah! It's finally summer! But no, I can not have any. Because food makes you fat and sam is fat so ok. I'm walking to Annas now so peace.. later kids.

:D

2 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[04 Jun 2004|02:59pm]

Today was an okay day.. I have soo much freakin hw though.. ughh oh well. Tonite I'm going to the dance show thing with Eric.. haha shall be fun.

Wow.. It was so strange today because I realized that I hadn't seen you and then when I did I was really happy about it. Hmm.. why am I feeling this way?

JULIE REGERRI (sp?) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I HEART YOU FOREVER YOUR MY LOVE OO I WANT YOU IN BED.

yea im done.

 

BabyDolJul: ur the woman sam chick, i dont get to see u enough and tell u

People like that make me smile.

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[03 Jun 2004|11:38pm]

Oh wow.

Since my computer had 349873923 viruses we had to get a whole new system.. so everything was deleted.. and I was looking through the favorites that were saved on the internet explorer thing just so I could see what was saved.. And I saw a link to Blurty.com .. and I started reading my entire journal.. it was from this whole year.. and I realized a lot of things.

                              Things I Realized Tonite

  • I used to be happy. Happy. HAPPY. I know what you must be thinking.. Sam? Happy? Haha yeah ok, right. But really.. When I would update, it would be like today was a great day, had practice, worked on our stunts. Ohh it was so funny in SS today, Dayna did the funniest thing.. lol idk, something like that.. and it would be like 10:17 pm and I would write ok well I'm gonna do all of my hw since I didn't do any of it.. So it's not like softball has been tying me down or anything.. I don't know whats wrong with me.. I didn't realize how good I had it.
  • Ever since ****** came into the picture, I've been miserable.. I mean yeah, sure, I guess it makes me feel better but for a weird reason it's just making me even sadder. I mean, maybe it's because I hate to hurt you because your such a genuine person.. But whatever you're doing to me.. Please stop, I'd like to be happy again.
  • As much as I said I hated them.. maybe pretending to be friends with them and liking them was better than not being friends with them at all.. Because back then I used to force a smile, and I'm sure they did too. Now, I dont even bother to flash them a single tooth.. Oh well, I guess it's better off this way rather than pretending.
  • Maybe cheerleading was better than I thought.. Don't get me wrong, I absolutly LOVE softball.. More than anything... I mean you girls have made it an awesome season.. it's just that in cheerleading you KNOW your important.. you KNOW your a valuable part of the team, and you KNOW that without you, you have nothing. So I don't know.. I really can't wait for this summer though, me and Brit are gonna have fun lol.
  • I think that the closeness of summer is killing everyone. I mean, back during midterms (when I looked at my entries) we KNEW that summer was far away, why should we wish for it when it was like, 6 months away? But now, its at the edge of the next week. It's so close, yet it's so far.. I don't know, I guess it's put everyone in a bad mood.
  • Everyone has been getting on my nerves lately.. I mean, they were before.. But certain things are starting to bother me like they never used to .. idk Im weird okay.
  • You weren't in my life yet. I mean, I knew your name and my friend went out with you but come on, I didn't KNOW you. And now that I have, my heart is literally in 2937934 pieces.. just, I don't know. Its weird. Your weird.
  • Going back to that camp meeting and seeing everyone's faces again was great.. but there was just one thing. I didn't get that exciting feeling back like I thought I was going to.. I mean I know it's stupid but I was expecting this whole thing.. nevermind, I'm being retarded again. Hey, its 11:50 so whatever.
  • In the past 3 months, I've realized who my REAL TRUE friends are.. not just the people who are going to write HAGS (call me) in my yearbook (yeah screw all you hoes) .. but my REAL friends.. and I know they know who they are.. like Dayna.. if it wasn't for her.. well who knows if I would be alive right now righting this, I'm not joking.. and Brit.. whose been there for me when.. well when Dennie looked up my skirt ( yes, that was a very emotional experience and I'm still trying to get through it. um ) But really.. theres so many other people.. But I'm saving one whole huge entry (or series, I don't know) for the end of the year.. to write down all my friends.. to write down all the things I realized about high school/life.. and I don't know, other random things. But theres a lot of them.
  • One last final thing. I realized that while I may have said before that I'm glad about the person I've changed into.. I'm sad to say that I think that's a lie. The truth is, I don't like the person I've changed into. I'm not happy about how I act. I really wish things didn't happen so fast. Because now I'm afraid it's too lait. It's too late to tell you how I really feel. But whatever, I screwed it up.. just like the rest of my whole life.. I screwed it up...

So goodbye for now, I'll update tomorow.

<3

3 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

PICTURESSS [03 Jun 2004|10:28pm]

the back of the house = )    why my mom decided to delete the one we took of the front, I have no idea.

yes, me in front of my soon to be house.. haha yeah right and im also CATHOLIC.

me and anna in the pool... yes i know we are sooo sexy.. jp but why do I look like I'm bald? umm moving on..

Ha.. right

Haha Anna poking somewhere she shouldnt.. I guess thats just what happens when I scream out TIM!!

ANND more to come ;) check ya laterrr

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[03 Jun 2004|07:19pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

HAHA I just finished my essay.. thank god.

So um, when is school ending again?

Daynas party will be the shit.. I'm muy excited.

Looking forward to tomorow.. Im going to the show with Eric Chris and Molly.. should be fun.

Haha.. I thought I would be happy without you. So why did I just catch myself scrolling down my buddy list checking if your on? Haha I think I'm going to kill myself right about now.. Why am I so stupid!

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[03 Jun 2004|05:31pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Aha! I'm so sick.. it sucks and I am missing too much school.. I miss everyone :( But I'll be back tomorow.

I've decided to give up.. For good though this time.. I need to stop getting my hopes up every now and then when you do decide to call me.. I'm just absolutly sick of it.. I always think, oh well maybe you think differently now.. But nope, I've decided to just completly give up.. Why should I keep getting my hopes up when I know you'll just let me down? It's defintly not worth it.. Theres 1 more week of school left, so why should I force myself to try to be hopeful for something that will never happen? I feel like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders because I've decided that I just can't worry about you any longer. And it's funny because I was just about to write " I don't care anymore ".. But I realized that I do care.. I really honestly, truly care.. Because I wish it would happen.. but it never will.. so for now... goodbye. I'm getting on with my life.

Softball is over [*tear] I'm gonna miss everyone ! No joke.. it will be so boring now after school.. I have no reason to live anymore.. jk jk lol

It's Thursday and I still haven't written my baseline essay.. haha maybe I should start that now..

My resolution for this week is that I'm going to be a happier person.. no really, I am.. This is how I'm going to start

: D

3 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[31 May 2004|06:02pm]

God.

I just reread my journal for the past month, and all I can say is that I'm really sorry to everyone who has read it and probably thought, wow, shes some kind of depressed freak..

I dont know what's wrong with me..when I'm with people I'm fine.. I act funny and energetic.. but then the second I sit down at my computer and reflect on my life.. I dont know, it's like I realize how shitty my life really is and how I'm not happy.. I don't know.. I act really weird.

I just wish sometimes that I could change..

 

I wish I could be braver.. I want to tell you how I really feel.. you deserve to know the truth.. But the truth is that I'm scared.. I'm scared of pushing you away too far..

 

whatever.

 

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

not one notices anything, not one person is listening [28 May 2004|11:36pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Haven't been on in awhile, my computer was broken.. oh well.

I had to stay after school. After school on a Friday to study for the science regents I have to take on Tuesday.. kind of sad, staying after school on a Friday.. Um yeah I just woke up so Im kind of out of it. I had my game before, we lost. Oh well, what do you expect from 7th and 8th graders.



Your really bothering me.. stop, your in fucking 9th grade stop acting so immature..

And I thought you were different.. maybe a little better than that. But I guess you're all the same. I mean what was I expecting, you to be different? Why would I think that ? I guess I'll just never understand you.

I know I'm not the same person I used to be.. but really, I can't do anything about it. I mean, maybe I can but I only act who I am, and why should I try to change that because you see a "change"? The right thing to do would be to say "oh, I'm so sorry, I'll try to change." But no, I'm honestly not sorry, and I'll never be. I'm not sorry that I can't adapt to your personality and I'm not sorry that your still stuck as the same person you were before.. But face it. Everyone has to change sometime, it's bound to happen. I mean, I know my change has been drastically obvious, but it was going to happen one time or another. Oh and by the way, I'm not sorry that I have new friends. What am I gonna do, sit in my house and not do anything ? Oh no, wait. What am I gonna do, sit in YOUR house and not do anything ? Yeah, that sounds about right.

I'm leaving for New Jersey tomorow.. I'll be back on Monday nite..

I just want to know why I'm so unhappy.. I mean I KNOW why, but I just want to know how to fix it.. I know something is missing and I don't think anything I can do is going to replace it. Actually.. I think camp might help. Yeah, that will defintly make things better.

Whyyyy do I feel like this? Like I have so many people beside me, yet so alone ? Whatever.

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[27 May 2004|08:05pm]
[ mood | moody ]

Alriiiight well I officially suck at softball.. um yeah.

We lost 10-3 or something, idk. Oh well.

I hate it that your so confusing.. It really drives me crazy. One minute everythings okay and normal, and the next minute your cold.. Just make up your mind.

Seriously.. do you think I like when you do those kinds of things? No, I dont. I can tell you that I hate it and I'm so sick and tired of thinking about it.

I seriously am going to break down emotionally, I'm not even kidding.

I havent done situps or anything in like a week and a half.. ughh I'm so mad at myself..
I went to bed the earliest time last nite.. 12:30 I think? Yeah.. I think that's sick.. I go to bed at like 1 - 2 every single nite now.. I can't help it but I just have so many things to do..

Two more games for softball.. which kind of sucks but the sooner softball ends the sooner school will end so hey, I'm not arguing.

I hate it when someone tells you one thing, and then they do the opposite.. I wish you would just tell me the truth..You say one thing but then every time I see you you're so different about it. And then you suddenly turn around and act different again two seconds later. I hate it. I can't stand it when you do that to me. So just tell me the fucking right thing ..

Jersey tomorow. Cant wait.. Either it's gonna be awesome or it's gonna suck.. oh well, I'm not getting my hopes up. I never do anyway ..

I wish I was happy [sigh*]

1 disaster // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

your good intentions slowly turn to bitterness..reoccuring episodes with each and every kiss [26 May 2004|06:23pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Ahh! Im so mad!! ughh I just typed this whole journal entry and was about to update but then I pressed refresh by accident and omggg I hate life.


Umm heres what I wrote I'm going to try and remember it..


Today was alright.. could have been better.

I got a 68 on my science test. But whatever, I really don't care because I studied. So um yeah..

Ahh my game was cancelled today. How depressing. 4-5.. not bad, not bad, considering what we used to have lol.

Umm yeah so in a few minutes I have to go to that retarded "smart people" ceremony.. I don't want to go but apparently I told my mom I would last week so she supposedly cancelled her tennis match to go and now I am being forced to.. shes being so gay about it, shes like yeah well you know, we didn't get to go to an 8th grade graduation.. but whatever its only an hour..

I love it how you think your "friends" will be there for you no matter what, and you find yourself surprised that they stab in you in the back.. But I mean come on, was I really expecting them to be "there" for me? No, of course not. That's not the way it works when your 15. When your 15, its alright to ditch your friends for other members of the opposite sex. It's alright to talk shit about your "friends" behind their backs to other people, even though you know the other people will eventually find out. And of course, it's perfectly fine to be a hypocrit.. when you know that what your doing is wrong, yet you do nothing to stop it. I dont know, do what you want. Its not like I'm being hurt or anything, you know?

Peace.

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

and i feel like im at an all-time low, slightly bruised and broken [25 May 2004|09:11pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Haven't updated in awhile.. I dont care anymore, whatever.

NO I dont have chicken pox, thanks Dayna lol.. Well I really don't know if I don't have it for sure but whatever, it's not my fault if I do because I left school early to go to the doctor today so oh well. At least I got to watch Maury and half of Jerry Springer. Sadly, that's probably going to be the highlight of this week.

Umm yeah so I'm pretty much failing in all of my classes. Which is gay because it's 4th quarter and it's the easiest. But I dont know, oh well life sucks like that.

Have you ever liked someone, and then sort of given up.. and then when youve finally moved on and gotten better about it, they give you a reason to believe in it again? And then you get so confused so you don't know what to do ? Yeah that feeling, it sucks.

Hmm our team has won the past 3 games.. I'm starting to HATE it.. not joking, I really want to quit. Oh well, only a few more weeks.

My arm itches.

But I must not itch it, because according to Brittney, everytime I scratch my arm, I gain 1 pound.
( I just gained like 10 pounds )

Thank you Dayna, for hitting that double for me.. lol

Umm yeah. I need someone to make me laugh.. no one has done that in a while.

1 disaster // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[23 May 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Great. Just realized that I have 2937394 other things to do for homework. Why isn't school over yet ? I've devoted wayyy to much time doing my homework, handing projects in, pleasing everyone but myself, and not sleeping. Whatever.

Today I get to see Jimmy.. hells yes.

Aha Brit tonite is our game.. (woohoo ..?) Okay we BETTER be one the same team or I will be VERY upset. I dont want to sit on the bench listening to 7th graders talk about how much "hw' they get and how tough it is to go to bed at "11" and they wish that they dont get on "Team R" next year because they don't want Mr. Paradiso. Hmm Idk, random but it's true.

Going to the mall on Friday and being at Six Flags on Saturday made me realize that I hate people. Not my friends and people I know, but other people who I don't know. I'm not being ignorant, but really, I will never understand some people.

Im a very mean person. Sorry.

Wow.. You give up when you haven't really tried.

L a m e

Gotta go do some POINTLESS hw.. Yeah, I'm pretty sure colleges are going to look at an essay I wrote in 9th grade about the affects on kids from television when they are negotiating whether to accept me or not. Wtf. This is Gay. Alright I'm going now. Bye kids.

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

Well it's funny how things change .. [22 May 2004|11:44pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

What a great day.

What could be better, walking around Six Flags with the coolest people who make you laugh the whole time, going on 50 roller coasters and other rides, finding $20 on the floor, trying to stuff two basketballs up someones shirt, and trying to scope out possible guys to hook up with so they will give you their sweatshirt?

This year has changed so much stuff for me, I dont even know how to begin. I think I'm starting to realize who my friends are, and that I really don't care if other people like them. It's just weird, I dont know. In the past 3 months, I've started talking to so many different people.. I don't know, it just feels weird, almost to the point where I don't know who I really am anymore..

But maybe thats the point in life, maybe your supposed to meet people who show you who your true identity is, and that's how you become your own person.

I'm tired of doing this, being in the same spot where I've always been. I can't be in the same position forever, we have three years left and somewhere along those next three years, things will change. And when they do, I'm gonna laugh in your face.

I think I'm afraid of change. And I'm scared right now because I know things are changing so rapidly fast. In one way I can't help it and in another way I can help it. I push to many people and things away. Thats the one problem I have. It's not that I'm afraid of being hurt, I just think that I'm scared of change.

Whatever happened to those days when you were 9? When you would get home from school and have a little bit of homework, then you could watch some t.v. and go to sleep at a reasonable hour, and you would have fun with your friends in school and there wasn't as much drama.. or in the summer you would wake up and go to camp, and then come home and go to the pool with your friends, get ice cream from the ice cream truck and laugh and joke around as if there wasn't a care in the world, like you had no responsibilities. Whatever happened to those days?

When did it turn into going to school at an insanely early hour, falling asleep in class, tests almost every week, people judging you all the time, and everyone being so self concious? How come all of the sudden you find yourself in high school, being bombarded with the responisiblities of getting older, like getting a job and doing your work. Why all of the sudden do we have so much drama to deal with? Why do we have to worry about what other people think all the time and what he said or she said? Why cant things just be simple?

I can honestly say that I don't know how I managed to do it this year. Between two sports, wayyy to much drama, being freakin depressed, trying to lose weight and whatever, how did I survive?

Even though I have some of the greatest friends in the world, I still feel completly alone like absolutly no one understands.

I think I just needed to get this out. I think I needed to tell this to myself.

Whatever, I'm not a good person anyway. I'll never be good enough for you, or anyone else. Theres nothing that I can do, or you can do, that will change things. I guess that it was just meant to be like this. Which kind of sucks, because a relationship like that is so unhealthy. Believe me. I would know.

I think I know who I am now.


Im a lot of fake smiles.

7 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

Dont ever tell me how im meant to be [21 May 2004|11:10pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Sometimes I feel you’re not listening
Sometimes I feel you don’t understand
But I think I’ve got the answer
Already know what you’re gonna say

Yeah, fuck it. I'm done trying.

Why..?? As soon as I give up and lose all hope you prove me wrong.. just tell me, please?

1 disaster // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

these are the best days of our lives .. [21 May 2004|09:48pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Yeah, what an awesome way to spend your Friday nite.

2 words.

FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

You make me want to kill myself, Im not joking. I get so frusturated with you, and you dont even realize it. Your oblivious (C) Brit. You fucking A (C) also Brit. I'm just glad that SOME people are there for me when I need them. Whatever, I hope you have a nice life and lots of friends when I'm gone. How will you survive? I'd like to see you try, because I dont think you will. And when summer comes, well I'm not gonna even get started on that topic.. whatever, you'll see soon enough.

I dont have time for this shit. Either you tell me straight to my face or.. or I dont know, but dont make me go through this.

Well I could sleep forever, but its of him I dream
If I could sleep forever, I could forget about everything *

2 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

you dont seem to know, dont seem to care [21 May 2004|02:13pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Today was alrite, thank god it's Friday.

We won again yesterday, good job girls. Cathy, your the only one who makes me laugh and forget about everything.. thanks (dayna you to lol)

Do you understand that I have my own problems? I dont need to add a brand new list of problems to my life.. and you need to tell me these things, not other people. And why do you have to be such a hypocrite? First you say one thing, then you say another.. But no, it's still all my fault and it's all up to me, right? Exactly. Well guess what, thats not how I work.

Yeah. Whatever.

Six Flags tomorrow = ) It's gonna be awesome.

HOLY SHIT. 2 AND A HALF DAYS !!

fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[19 May 2004|08:24pm]
[ mood | weird ]

i'm holding on waiting for your call
it's simple but i can't explain this
i'm sinking down i feel like i could die
i'm falling off i don't know why

i still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day
another perfect day
i still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day
another perfect day

so i might try to leave it all behind
i know tommorow's not so bright now
i'll say goodbye cause nothing good can last
(you wear and figured no where fast)
and today i don't know how too keep it all inside
but i guess i'll let it slide

StingRay6900: i miss u so much its not funny
StingRay6900: u know i love u sam

jimmy, thanks.. your such a good friend. 4 days :-/

4 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

lifes a prison when your in love a l o n e* [19 May 2004|06:59pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

:(

Why do I feel this way?? Ughh it makes me mad because I just want to be happy, I dont want to be mad at you and hate you. Im sick of lying to you. Im sick of lying to everyone. Oh well.. busy day tomorow.. concert ( yea I know, its retarded .. or as Cathy would say, your so RETARD! ) and a game.. we're definitly going to win because we've played them before and we won 14-3.. so I'm not worried..

Its already going to be Thursday.. hmm week went by fast..

I wish that you would just leave me alone. For good. Stop worrying about me, because your only making things worse. So just stop.

2 disasters // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

[18 May 2004|08:29pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm .t o r n.

Awesome game today girls, 17-16 US!! We'll beat the shit out of Clarkstown North too, because they suck.

I am really sorry right now to everyone, including you. Too much is going on at once. School needs to end, because if it doesnt soon I am going to kill myself, literally. I can't take it anymore. I cant keep doing this day after day.. it is only wearing me down.. I dont sleep because of you. And I know its sad but I let you influence my decisions.. And the truth is, I care what you think.

And as soon as my opinion of you started changing, you had to fuck it up again.. nice job.

Dayna is amazing. I heart her.

1 disaster // fall in love !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$ !@#$%*!@!#@$#%$

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]